Read Kate McCann's diary
For the first time, the heartbreaking truth that
destroys the lies of the Portuguese police
EXCLUSIVE
By Daniel Sanderson, 13/09/2008
TODAY we reveal the secret diary of agonised mum Kate McCann—penned
over months as she and husband Gerry struggled to deal with their daughter Madeleine’s abduction.
Her words destroy the litany of lies told by Portuguese
cops to paint them as cold and calculating. Kate wrote: "I can't bear being without Madeleine. It's like torture— a
slow painful death."
- FOR months the Portuguese police leaked carefully selected extracts from
Kate McCann's secret diary, chosen to deliberately paint her and husband Gerry as the ice couple—cold, dispassionate
and emotionless in the face of three-year-old Madeleine’s abduction.
- Now, for the first time, the News of the World can fill in the blanks and
nail those lies. The 135-page journal covering April 28, 2007 to Tuesday, July 31, was passed to us by a reporter in Portugal
appalled by the sickening smear campaign against the McCanns.
- Kate's log of the dark days after Madeleine vanished from their holiday
flat reveals the true picture of the tortured woman behind the calm, brave face she had to portray in public, as initial disbelief
and numbness gave way to desperation and rage. Often she includes touching messages of love to her missing daughter. It confirms
the strength Kate drew from her devout Catholic faith—and frankly admits the doubts the trauma forced her to face.
THE entry for the fateful day Madeleine McCann
vanished—May 3, 2007—makes chilling reading in her mother's diary, because it started out so NORMAL.
Mum-of-three Kate, 40, records that it began much like any other since the
family arrived at the Mark Warner Ocean Club in Praia da Luz on Portugal's Algarve coast—one long, happy round of swimming,
tennis, kids' club, games and fun.
But knowing what is about to befall them turns Kate's simple account of the
children's evening bedtime routine into a tense drama...
THURSDAY, MAY 3: Milk and biscuits for
the kids. I left them with this and books and games and went to have a quick shower/wash my hair. M (Madeleine) tired—sitting
on my lap—I read the story of Mog (favourite children's book).
Brush teeth. To the bedroom with the kids. M pulls away and puts her head
on pillow. Kisses goodnight for M. Pulled the door to as far as possible without shutting it. Silence.
Dry hair. Put make-up on. Glass of wine. Restaurant.
(During dinner nearby with friends —dubbed the Tapas 7—the group
took turns to check the children. At 10pm Kate discovers Madeleine gone. The McCanns and helpers frantically scour the area
until 4am.)
FRIDAY, MAY 4: No sleep, Gerry and I started
looking through the streets around 06.00 as it was starting to get light. Nobody around. Why not? Desperate.
Minutes seem like hours. Outside of the apartments masses of people asking
questions about that night and for descriptions of Madeleine. Long day.
(Then Kate, Gerrry and their seven friends were taken to the Policia Judiciaria,
or PJ, headquarters in nearby Portimao to give statements.)
Nobody from the police introduced themselves. Nobody offered us a drink or
food. All the police dressed informally and smoking. No sympathy was shown and far from inspiring.
I believe my statement would have been around 15.00 and such. They allowed
G (Gerry) to come in with me but seated behind me. Translator present.
The police officer who took us by car to the station was the one asking the
questions and afterwards typed the answers on a typewriter. Morose.
We left the police station around 7.30pm to 8pm. After 15 minutes we received
a call from the PJ saying we had to go back but they didn't tell us why. We turned around and flew back at around 200 kilometres
an hour. Once again frightening. Did they find her? Please God. Is she dead? Prayers. We arrived—they showed us a photo
of a girl they'd forgotten to show us from the close circuit TV footage. Not M. Devastating.
SATURDAY, MAY 12: (Madeleine's birthday)
Madeleine is four years old. Day at resort with holiday group. Special Mass for Madeleine at 18.00 in Praia da Luz.
MONDAY, MAY 14: I slept well last night
after a not very good end of the day, frustration with the FLO (Portuguese police family liaison officer) asking me where
would my little M be.
I got up at 06.50. I dealt with some trifles and got myself ready for the
statement to the press at 08.00.
I tried to put on a slightly more presentable and "healthy" air. Gerry again
gave a great performance.
Following on we answered about four questions. I almost responded to the
first one asking how we were, but I didn't. I did answer a question on our possible return home. I replied that obviously
I didn't even think about that. Anyway, it seemed to have gone well. After breakfast and our having left S and A, (twins Sean
and Amelie, then aged two) we went to church to pray in silence. Very good, calming.
After getting back I decided to go running—for the first time since
THE day (already 11 days ago). I knew that it was going to be physically difficult, but I also knew that I wasn't going to
give up, because it was for Madeleine and also because the level of pain is far higher now.
No cameras or journalists, which was great. I went running towards the beach
and then along it and again climbed that hill so steep —without stopping! (I carried a photo of M in my hand to keep
me going.) On the last hill past the tennis courts my legs completely weak, but I managed to keep myself walking. I managed
to reach the apartment then time to stop—to think—I felt really quite calm.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 23: Gordon Brown (then Chancellor
and PM in waiting) called and spoke with Gerry -very kind and giving encouragement.
Feeling a bit emotional afterwards.
SATURDAY, MAY 26: We went to an amusement
park with the kids. Some phone calls, emails etc. Not a very good day for either the two of us—some dark thoughts/ frustrations/
desperation creeping in. Some tears.
(Then in a moving little message to Madeleine) I love you so much XXX
SUNDAY, MAY 27: Clarence (Clarence Mitchell,
Foreign Office family liaison at the time) spoke to us about a possible trip to the Vatican. It seems that it really is going
to happen—main story on the news!
Spoke to Dad. I went for a walk to the beach with Sean and Amelie. Frozen.
Beach—slippery, wet feet.
We all had dinner when we got back to the apartment.
We have to keep looking. We have to find you beloved xxxxx.
(Kate signed off the day's entry by drawing a heart with "I LOVE MADELEINE"
inside.)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 30: (After trip to see Pope
detailed above) The kids went to bed again around 9pm!!! Low point of tonight—becoming desperate/without hope because
of the lack of information. They are acting like they have no leads at all. Very worried.
Tomorrow it will be 4 weeks since Madeleine was taken. Four weeks since we
saw our special little girl. We are not certain that we will ever see her again, but know that we have to keep up our hope
and strength—for the others, at least. Exhausted.
I love you so much, Madeleine. You must come back! X
FRIDAY, JUNE 1: Quite fed up...I can't
stop thinking about Madeleine, about her fear of pain. How can I go on knowing that her life could have ended like this?
This week I have been quite overtaken by black thoughts. Please, God, bring
her back.
Bedtime is becoming more and more of a challenge.
SATURDAY, JUNE 2: I can't remember today
(which is now yesterday!). The morning was spent doing paperwork. I wrote a letter to JK Rowling, asking for her help in keeping
M in the public eye. She has a new Harry Potter book which will come out in July. I asked if it would be possible to do something
like a bookmark with M on.
An enjoyable afternoon—I never felt so relaxed. I felt it was wrong.
S and A had fun and that was important. I also worried about what people might think, like "How can they manage to...?"
It seems that Sean is liking the beach more these days. We had tea in a nearby
restaurant—good, despite still thinking that I had to do normal things without feeling guilty. We left around 7.30pm
and the kids were completely exhausted.
Fed up again —poor M. Once again it took a long time before S and A
were sorted. Finally went to church for 10 minutes.
Private worship (despairing!).
Cried again in bed—I can't avoid it. I need her close to me. Thinking
about her fear of pain breaks my heart. Thinking about paedophiles makes me want to tear at my own skin. Of course these people,
like psychopaths, aren't "normal" human beings. I was never in favour of the death penalty, but these people should be kept
in a secure place. I wouldn't even complain if it was in nice surroundings, but, certainly in the case of paedophiles always
distanced from any type of contact with children.
Whose human rights are more important? Those of a paedophile or of a vulnerable,
defenceless child?
TUESDAY, JUNE 5: Woke up relatively late
again, around 7.30am, with a good morning wake-up call from S and A. Adorable!! I just wish it had been all three of them
that came into the room. After a shower and breakfast, I took S and A to the Kids' Club. I asked if they could make birthday
cards for their Grandma and Gerry—today is his birthday but I had forgotten which is not surprising!
THURSDAY, JUNE 7: The Press conference
went well. People are always asking how we are managing to cope, how we can manage to run a campaign, as if we are strange
because we are able to appear calm and controlled and aren't going under all the time. They know so little. Nobody should
judge or criticise because, unless they have already been in this situation, they have NO IDEA how they would be and certainly
NO IDEA how painful it is. NO IDEA AT ALL. I love you so much Madeleine xxxx
I can't bear this. I can't bear being without Madeleine. It's like torture—a
slow, painful death. I hope her suffering, if she is suffering, is much less. Please God.
SUNDAY, JUNE 17: Cherie Blair (then the
Premier's wife) phoned to find out how we were.
We talked about everything in general, including about them leaving Number
10. She agreed as well to make a 20-second video clip for our broadcast on YouTube about Madeleine and children who have disappeared.
I also had the chance to speak to Tony (then Prime Minister) who told me
that we weren't to hesitate to ask him if there was something he could do to help.
On Sky News tonight they suddenly said the Portuguese police had stated that
the crime scene had been contaminated—because of us—and that fundamental evidence had been lost. How dare they
insinuate that our daughter's life could be put in danger because of us. Very angry. Very upset.
I want to speak to someone now, but it's too late.
I changed my mind and I sent a text message to Ricardo (Portuguese police
family liaison officer). I don't know if was a sensible idea but I feel really annoyed.
My darling little Madeleine, you know that we wouldn't do anything to put
you in danger.
I love you very much and I am in agony right now.
I only have to hope that God helps us all now and that he brings you back
to us, safe and sound, very soon.
I need you to come back Madeleine. You are the best thing in my life that
has ever happened to me. XXXXX
I ended up feeling very upset. Everything overflowed. Terrified that we might
not get Madeleine back. I simply cannot face that. Tears, despair, rage, helplessness. I spoke to Gerry, recited prayers.
Please God, bring her back XX
I fell asleep after 1am.
MONDAY, JUNE 18: I spent a few lovely hours
with Sean and Amelie building a sandcastle with a moat, getting big hugs from Sean, ice creams.
Shower, lovely meal and a little playtime with the kids.
(But as night closes in Kate's anguish returns.)
I can't stand living like this. It's so painful and distressing. Dear Lord,
PLEASE answer our prayers. PLEASE send Madeleine back to us. PLEASE.
I love you so, so much Madeleine, more than anything XXXXX.
TUESDAY, JUNE 19: Last night I didn't manage
to get to sleep until around 1am because I was so upset again. It's so painful to be without Madeleine and I can't stand to
think that it could be like this forever. This simply cannot happen.
Good night, good night Madeleine, I'm longing to read you a bedtime story
again. I love you my little darling X.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 20: There is still no sign
of Madeleine. I didn't feel like it so I decided not to go running.
Went to pick up Gerry from the airport. It was so good to see him. Just before
we reached the apartment we saw a man lying in the middle of the street, so we stopped the car and got out. It was no surprise
to see that he was drunk (we've all been there!) but he recognised Gerry and me immediately. Gerry walked him round to his
apartment.
THURSDAY, JUNE 21: I went to the church
around 9.20pm to pray a bit by myself, in peace. I got a bit annoyed, I don't understand why God doesn't answer my prayers.
I think I need a sign of some sort. I miss her so much. It is so painful and I don't feel my life is complete and I won't
ever feel it is complete, if she doesn't come home. Gerry came down later on to be with me.
Apart from a glass of wine, chocolate and this diary, there's nothing much
else to tell.
I LOVE YOU MADELEINE. GOOD NIGHT GOOD NIGHT X X X.
FRIDAY, JUNE 22: I miss Madeleine loads
and that's a real understatement. Sometimes I think I must have done something so bad. (Then Kate recalls the IVF treatment
she needed to get pregnant) It was so difficult and painful 'trying' to have Madeleine and now this!!!
Why??? Bad luck??? A sick joke??? And then I think I don't want to think
about me—I'm an adult, but Madeleine, dear, sweet, vulnerable, beautiful Madeleine... and I just feel like screaming.
WHY?
Dear Lord, I continue to ask, continue to hope, continue to try to have faith
in You. Please help us. Put an end to this nightmare. Please help Madeleine. PLEASE LORD.
Unbearable
Madeleine,
I love you with all my heart. You are part of my being and I will never feel whole without you. I hope and pray for the day,
hopefully soon, when we will be reunited and together again FOREVER. I miss you so much. I need you. I love you. XXXXXXXXXXX
SATURDAY,
JUNE 23: I woke up after 7am hesitating
(again!) about going running but eventually I built up enough enthusiasm to convince Gerry that we should go. He ran quite
well and without a doubt it was worth us going.
Will we see her again one day? How can this end well now? She’s
so precious. God I need you to do something soon. I’m so desperate and suffering so much.
This evening I felt quite low again. It's the awful uncertainty,
helplessness and worry. It’s really unbearable. I only want to be able to hide or hibernate until this is all over and
Madeleine is back. Please make sure she’s OK.
The usual—dinner, a few drinks and emails. Good night. Good
night my darling, longing to lie down...
SUNDAY,
JUNE 24: Oh, Madeleine, I find the
nights so difficult and only God knows how things are going to find you. I just want to say, once again, that you have been
the most special and amazing thing that ever happened to me.
I've never felt such love for another person. I hope and I trust
that God and Mary are protecting you and I only know that Dad and I and all your wonderful family and friends will continue
to search for you, and we all long for the day when you will be back with us again— FOREVER! XX
Good night. Good night darling. I love you XXXXXXXX
TUESDAY,
JUNE 26: I went for a short walk
to the shops nearby. I had heard that there was a paedophile there. Nice, isn't it?
